


It's Not the Heat, It's the Humidity

by sabinelagrande



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alpha Phil Coulson, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Chinese Translation Available, Dialogue-Only, Hot Weather, Humor, M/M, Omega Clint Barton, Visit Your National Parks, Written on a Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-02
Updated: 2014-01-02
Packaged: 2018-01-07 03:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1115038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's only a hundred and ten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not the Heat, It's the Humidity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dizmo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizmo/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [It's Not the Heat, It's the Humidity (Chinese Translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1312408) by [lzqsk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lzqsk/pseuds/lzqsk)



"Oh my god, it's fucking a hundred and fifty here."

"It is not a hundred and fifty, Barton. It is a hundred and ten."

"It's a hundred and ten, and there's nothing out there but rocks and Park Rangers."

"German tourists."

"What?"

"The summer months are popular with tourists from Europe."

"Why?"

"Do I look like Frommer's to you? We're out here where there's nothing because nothing is a great thing to hide in."

"That sounded weirdly philosophical."

"I don't know if that's a compliment or not."

"I just can't believe we have to stay all night in fucking Death Valley Junction in _July_ just so we can get up in the morning to liaise with people who unironically wear straw hats to work."

"DEVA Rangers helped take down the Manson family. Don't underestimate their usefulness."

"How do you even _know_ these things?"

"I do research, Barton. Also the flight back from Oslo was very long and very, very boring, but it did have wifi."

"At least there are two beds this time. You kick in your sleep."

"I do not."

"Ask Natasha."

\--

"I was _promised_ it would get colder at night. This is bullshit."

"This desert regularly experiences thirty degree drops in temperature overnight."

"Yeah, so it's supposed to be cold."

"It was a hundred and ten today, Barton. Do the math."

"This is _bullshit_."

"Either way, I'm going to sleep, and so should you."

"Night, boss. I'll be there in a minute."

\--

"What was that?"

"Jesus fuck."

"What is it?"

"That was the air conditioner dying."

"You're shitting me."

"That or the refrigerator fell over. One of these is more likely than the other."

\--

"I did what I could, but I got nothin'. It's not too dirty and it's not leaking Freon. That's the limit of my air conditioner expertise."

"The best thing we can do is try to get some sleep anyway."

"No promises."

\--

"Oh god, oh _fuck_ that's good."

"What the fuck, Barton? What are you doing?"

"Covering my entire body in Biofreeze."

"What is that?"

"Like IcyHot without the hot. I use it on my arms. You want some?"

"Is that safe?"

"I dunno. Feels good though."

"You know that's not going to make you any cooler, don't you? It only feels cold."

"Thanks for that, Captain Buzzkill. I don't care if it makes me _hotter_ , just as long as I get some sleep."

"Fair enough."

\--

"Coulson, did you just take a shower in your clothes?"

"It's hot as fuck."

"So you're planning to evaporate?"

"Yup."

"Not a bad plan."

\--

"For the love of god, put your pants back on."

"Sir-"

"This is _not_ a negotiation. You. Boxers. Now."

"Spoilsport."

\--

"Barton? Barton, what's wrong?"

"Think I'm going into heat, sir."

"Oh for Christ's sake. High temperatures don't make you go into heat any more than cold temperatures give you a cold."

"That doesn't change the fact that-"

"It doesn't change the fact that you're on suppressants and your heat isn't scheduled until the seventeenth of next month."

"Wait, how do you know when my heat is?"

"You're my asset. Who do you think schedules your heat?"

"I dunno, I thought there was, y'know, like, a heat person. Chief Heat Officer."

"That sounds like an awful position."

"I didn't say I was volunteering for it."

"Besides, if you were in heat, I could tell, and things would be very different."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means. Go to sleep."

\--

"Wait."

"Are we sleeping or not? Because that's what you said to do, so that's what I'm doing, _sir_."

"Were you just hitting on me?"

"What? No."

"You were. You were trying to fake a heat, thinking I'd respond."

"Fuck off, Coulson."

"This was your plan A, wait for an excuse and then go for it? I swear to _god_ , if you _touched_ that air conditioner-"

"Do you really think I would have sabotaged the air conditioner for this? It was already eighty. _If_ that's what I was trying to do, I could have done it anyway."

"Did it never occur to you that there were better ways to go about this? Did you not consider asking me to assist with your next heat or, hell, asking if I wanted to go to dinner? 'Nice shoes, wanna fuck' would have been better than this."

"Wait, what? Did you just- did you just say what I think you just said?"

"I said what I said, Barton."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You wanna get dinner sometime?"

"Check me when the mission's over, I just might have an opening. Now _go to sleep_."

"Sweet dreams, sir."


End file.
